A New Point of View

I rearrange my living room quite frequently for a change of scenery. Anyone else do that? I get accused of rearranging the house every 28 days or so. You get the point. Now maybe I need to come and rearrange your homes for you! I have rearranged and rearranged our house, now it's your turn!

Anyway, what was I said about getting distracted... this wasn't the point of the post at all! After rearranging the living room, the chair that I typically sit to feed David in has been moved. It is a big red, upholstered rocking chair that is perfect for settling down into.

Well today I was feeding David and remarking at the new layout of the room from this point of view. It was a great quiet moment to reflect. I was looking around being reminded of the cool art that hangs in our living room. Just above my head hangs this piece.

My dad is a very talented calligrapher and made this piece for my mission team that went to Haiti back in 1998. I began thinking what a gift he has been given in his art. And then, like duh, I was reminded of what the actual words say! I do not really want to comment on them, to allow for the Holy Spirit to speak what He would through it. They spoke so clearly to my heart today. I hope they will speak to you as well. Sometimes all we need is a new point of view.

The Prayer of Saint Frances

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Dementia or Distracted?

Aren't they cute? Precious little gifts. Indeed. But I feel so scatter-brained. Surely I am not capable of being their mommy?

Most conversations I have these days seem so disjointed. They are either interrupted by sweet, well intentioned children or my own scattered-brain. Do you think this is the norm for a mommy of a 4 year old, 3 year old and a 4 month old? Or do I need to speak to my doctor about early onset of dementia?

My mom friends tell me this is normal and a stage. Even with my husband, I cannot seem to complete a thought. Much less a full, meaningful conversation! There are so many things swirling around in my head. I am reading a couple of different books. One of which is a novel told in a stream of consciousness style. I am not sure this helps with my thought processes! (very good book, just adding to my mind feeling chaotic!) The other is this amazing book that is rocking my world and making me very restless. So, you see, I have like a million thoughts in my head, but no way to get them out in a succinct way! Conversations are too disjointed... I feel so distracted all the time!

I like to be present in conversations. I like to be an active listener. I enjoy sharing and doing life with others. This is who I am. But I get distracted by all of the needs around me in my own life. I get bogged down in the daily and forget the eternal. Maybe I am the only one who doesn't have the brain capacity on a regular basis for both! I get stressed and struggle with the things of my daily routines and then think that this is all there is to it. My own bubble of life is distracting! When I get distracted, then I begin doubting God's plan and purpose in my life. It's this ugly cascade of sin in my life. Distracted by the world>doubt God's plan and provision.

So what is the remedy? Is it the latest dementia drug from my doctor? (Probably wouldn't hurt!) Or is it trying to be better at all this? Or is it actually surrendering all of these distractions, needs, desires and doubts to my Creator?

Yes, that's it. I mean, it's all in His hands anyway, right? I am really not capable of being their wife and mommy without my Father's help. He listens and hears when my ears are occupied. He fills in where I doubt. He loves them when I am spent. If you are like me and feeling distracted and doubtful, surrender. It is a moment to moment decision I am trying to make. Failing often. But praying.

And I shall call these 5 pounds "Butter."

I do love butter. I also love fresh summer produce. When you put the two together with a little cheese, you really do have something glorious. My mom cooked dinner for us last night. She is an excellent cook, but she prefers to eat out most of the time. So, when she cooks, we all line up to be served! Last night's dinner included "Business Man's casserole" (an old family favorite), freshly snapped green beans, squash casserole and seven layer salad. It doesn't get much better than that! Nor does it get much more Southern than that! What a great time we had. There was no special occasion, unless, of course, the inauguration of my parents' new Wii gaming system counts as a special occasion. (It was quite fun and active, I must say!)

I should have taken a picture of the beautiful, buttery, glistening top layers of the casseroles to look back upon with fondness when the 5 pounds appear on my hips.

Oh, Sweet Mercy!

You just have to see this link. So fun! This may be the only thing I would have done differently about our wedding! Enjoy!

P.S. I will warn you, however. If you have ever had children or are in your later years of life, you may want to go relieve yourself before you watch.

Just for Fun!

Since yesterday's post was wee bit serious... here's something for the palate that's a lighter fare!

1. What time did you get up this morning? 8:00

2. How do you like your steak? preferably marinated in lime, garlic and oil... grilled to a medium perfection. yum.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Madagascar 2. I know right? Need to get out more often. I did love P.S. I Love You from the comfort of our couch.

4. What is your favorite TV show? don't really watch TV... maybe Divine Design

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? In a B&B that we own/operate

6. What did you have for breakfast? Diet coke and granola bar... sounds healthy, huh?

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Mexican indeed.

8. What foods do you dislike? Don't like to be in the same room with olives or rye bread. shuweee.

9. Favorite Place to Eat? Moe's

10. Favorite dressing? vineagrette or creamy poppyseed

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? Honda Odyssey, LOVE this car, never thought I would say that about a minivan!

12. What are your favorite clothes? summer skirts and flip flops

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Ireland

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Full! There's always hope!

15. Where would you want to retire? Tough one, either NC mountains or SC coast!

16. Favorite time of day? night... but secretly i wish i could be a morning person

17. Where were you born? right here, Winston-Salem NC, same hospital as 2 of my 3 children

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? college football

19. Do you have any pets? nope... don't need another set of eyes needing something from me.

20. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? uh, let me think about it. nope. pretty low key right now!

21. What did you want to be when you were little? a teacher and a hair dresser.

22. Are you a cat or dog person? i prefer dogs, but cat don't require as much...

23. Are you married? yes, to the best man on the whole damn planet

24. Always wear your seat belt? yes

25. Been in a car accident? no, thank the Lord

26. Any pet peeves? hearing people chew will run me out of a room

27. Favorite Pizza Toppings? fresh mozzie and roma tomatoes

28. Favorite Flower? blue hydrangeas

29. Favorite ice cream? maybe cookies and cream... maybe i should have some right now?

30. Favorite fast food restaurant? wendy's. i am hooked on their new boneless wings. seriously. addicted.

31. How many times did you fail your driver's test? none

32. From whom did you get your last email? facebook notification

33. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? we don't have credit cards

34. Do anything spontaneous lately? hard to do with 3 little ones. i should remember this...

35. Like your job? raising 3 kids is definitely fun

36. Broccoli? Yes please.

37. What was your favorite vacation? Hmmm.

38. Last person you went out to dinner with? Smitty and the kids

39. What are you listening to right now? thunder

40. What is your favorite color? pink

41. How many tattoos do you have? none

42. Coffee Drinker? yes, more like a little coffee with my cream

43. What are you looking forward to? growing older with my sweet husband and my great kids

Now it's your turn! Copy and paste your answers!

Reconciling Our Faith and Logic

Smitty and I had a very tough decision to make recently. This decision required lots of praying, seeking Scripture and seeking the counsel of our Godly friends. We had to reconcile what we know to be true of our God, faith and logic. But I don't want to go straight into it, without first sharing a little background. So, where do I begin?

(Hang in there. It's a worthy read. I'll break it up with a few pics along the way!)

When I first met Smitty, he was pouring his life into the kids at our church. We served the youth together there for a couple of years. The Lord allowed us to be great friends before we ever thought of dating. In those 2 years, we talked together, prayed together and loved on kids together. After hearing a word from our Redeemer, we quickly moved from friends, to dating, to being engaged to be married. I had the privilege of marrying my best friend a year later. We dreamed often of what our family would look like. We envisioned lots of kids, some that looked like us, others that shared no resemblance. In our plan we thought we might have a couple of biological kids and then adopt a few children. But some wise family and friends had said, "Enjoy being married for a while before you have children. They change everything, for the better of course, but different!" Other friends had said, "when there is an excess of love in your tank, start thinking about kids." So we traveled. We hiked. We biked. We worked on our house. We hung out with friends. You get the picture.

A little over 6 years ago, Smitty and I decided that we were ready to trust the timing of our children to the Lord's capable hands. (Duh, like we have anything to do with it anyway.) You see, this was a difficult decision then because I was still in graduate school. Smitty was working in a job with great benefits, but it did not pay very much. Nonetheless, after much prayer, we decided to trust. Trust that the Lord knew what was best for us. Trust that even though we didn't feel ready for children, every other option was out of the question. Trust that He would provide when the time was right.

After a year of irregular cycles, we discovered some difficult news that would make conceiving more challenging. Not impossible, just challenging. I have PCOS. We did conceive shortly after that and miscarried that sweet life at 10 weeks. I was devastated. I mean, after all, we were trusting all of this to the Lord's timing. And this is what He planned? Must be a pretty sick joke. I was angry. Anytime there is conception, it is a gift in our opinion. After having infertility issues, conception of life was a huge gift. And then it was taken away? Yuck. I was depressed. I entered a pit. Yet, my Redeemer did not fail me.

Another year later, after conceiving again, we miscarried that sweet baby at 8 weeks. I believe had it not been for God speaking to my heart through an amazing Bible study, I would have remained in that pit. However, Smitty and I sweetly heard the Lord's voice saying, "My child, I have adopted you. You have an inheritance with Christ. Adopt."

And so we did! We moved forward with adoption, not losing hope of biological children, but with the clear direction from God to adopt in addition to bio kids. Thankfully, we heeded God's call and Micah came home 8 months later! Most of the time, we are stubborn and it takes a while to the message to us (me). But this time, we heard and were obedient. We did not have the money, but our experience has been if God calls us to it, He will provide for it. And He did, abundantly. The process to bring Micah home was crazy smooth. Micah's adoption was so timely for me to see the Lord's redemption in our lives. We had lost so much, but had gained so much more.

We conceived very shortly after returning home with our son. How funny, the Lord's timing, sometimes! I had to laugh. We had prayed for the Lord to show us His redemption. We felt that redemption fully in Micah's adoption. But God had this precious little girl as a gift for us too. I thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant. As a little girl, I had always dreamed of being pregnant and having babies. I was terribly sick and had a horrendous post-partum, but thankful for it all. After all, God was a Living God, actively redeeming our lives. Elizabeth was born 11 months after coming home with Micah. They are 15 months apart.

To help you understand our recent decision, I am sharing this next part. We continued not to use any contraception, other than rhythm. This method is a little sketchy at best in someone with PCOS. But we trusted that the Lord, and our logical timing would know the best plan for our lives. I was in a much better place spiritually and emotionally than I had been the years prior. I had to be. We were raising two very small children. My husband needed me; my children needed me. My God had worked miracles in my life. I knew it. I had so much for which to be grateful.

We conceived when Micah was 2 and Elizabeth was 1. This was a little sooner than we would have planned. Yet, we were ready to roll with that plan. However, that sweet baby went to be with Jesus when I was 11 weeks pregnant. We mourned that loss. Our children grieved in their own little ways. Micah, at 2, had some understanding of it all and the goodness of our God. He would tell us that "our baby is with Jesus, Mommy!"

Yes, sweet thing, our baby is with Jesus. We rejoiced that our Lord had prepared a place for our three precious ones that never experienced the pain and suffering of a sinful world. Do I believe that our God reached down and said, "Nope, not these babies"? No way. I cannot reconcile that view with the same God that is the God of restoration and redemption. I do not claim to understand. I do know that while there is sin in this world, God still works for the good of those who love Him and are called to His purpose. That has been my experience. Even when life sucks. My God is still good.

So, when we began looking into adoption again for Smitty #3 a little while ago, it was with a deep understanding of our Father's great love for us. It was out of a desire to share that goodness and love with a child who may otherwise never know it. With a deep love from God and a deep love for new life, we set our hearts upon adoption. And lo and behold, the Lord had a funny surprise up His sleeve. We found out we were expecting Smitty #3 the old-fashioned way. You know, biologically. ;) This pregnancy was much more difficult for me physically and emotionally. Nonetheless, each day I woke up thanking God for the life that grew within me, thankful that I got to experience the miracle of birth again. It was much harder to be emotionally present for the kids I already had this pregnancy. And Smitty, well, he took a back seat to the kids, mainly because he wasn't as loud or obnoxious. I digress. We're so thankful for Baby David! What a sweet gift!

We started feeling like our love tanks were running a little dry. We turned to Jesus to fill us up. We were serving in a capacity in our church that was overwhelming. We were a new family of five, so we retreated. We made several tough decisions along the way to turn our focus on this amazing family God has given us. We wanted to honor Him with the gifts we had been given so that we can more effectively share them with the people around us.

We knew that adding more children to our family would be a ways off. And we have known all along that the Lord has called us to the ministry of adoption. (But really, who hasn't He called to the ministry of adoption? Seriously. Believers, it is up to us to care for these orphans. But that post is for another day!)

Anyway... out of our love for each other, Micah, Elizabeth, David and orphans, we decided to proceed with a vasectomy. Truly, this has been the biggest decision we have made since deciding to marry. We did not take this decision lightly at all. We poured over Scripture to hear God's heart for us. We sought the counsel of those we consider wise in our lives. We prayed. A lot.

After all, we were permanently altering something that is normally life-giving. That was the crux of it all. Right there. We had desired for so long to have children. We had loved 3 babies we never got to see or cuddle. We believe each pregnancy and child is a gift. Why would we want to prevent new life in my womb after these experiences? But what we heard was that we have 3 beautiful gifts that the Lord had entrusted to us and we needed to be able to love them well, as Jesus loves them.

While choosing this way of life, we know that our family is not complete. Huh? You read that right. In this decision, we are taking a step of faith that the Lord has a child, possibly already in this world, that is a Smitty! It is in faith that we trust He will provide the resources when the time is right. When our love tanks are overflowing once more, we trust that the Lord will give us a new life through adoption.

You see, it all comes back to trust. Do I trust God enough to be the God of the Bible? The same one who works miracles? The same one who sent Jesus for me? The same one who says I am His? The same God that made me an heir with Christ through adoption? Whose heart is for the orphan? The same one that sent His Holy Spirit to bring us His peace?

The answer for the Smittys is yes. We are believing God for the miraculous. Please join us in believing. We love you friends. (And by the way, I have Smitty's permission to share about his procedure. He is recovering nicely, thanks for asking.)

If anything in this post strikes a chord with you, feel free to email me to talk further. Peace to you.

Hello friends! It's time to play Not Me Monday! MckMama started this fun confession time on her blog. Check it out!

• I most certainly did not pick up the "big" pieces in the floor today rather than vacuum. That would be gross. And fortunately my floor really isn't that dirty... (Well, we are playing "not me.")

• The kids were arguing loudly in the car this morning. I most certainly did not ask the children to have quiet time in the car this morning because, really, don't talk to me before a large dose of caffeine. That would be stifling their creativity and thought.

• Speaking of the car, I got to the van with my small children in tow, and lo and behold, some irresponsible driver left it with no gas. Who would do that? So, I most certainly did not go back inside, get the keys to Smitty's car and take it. I will get gas another day.

• I did not enjoy our weekend together with Smitty and David. Micah and Elizabeth went to "Grand-camp" in Pilot Mountain. While Smitty was recovering from the procedure, I had only him and one baby to care for. How sweet that was! But, oh how I missed Micah and Elizabeth!

• I most certainly did not at one moment during the procedure, wish to run back there and tell the doctor to stop! Maybe we could have one more. That would be foolish and all. We did have a clear peace that the Lord has this for us. (I have Smitty's permission to share about this in a later post, so keep your eyes peeled!)

• I most certainly did not come home from said procedure, watch this, and want to get started right away. I mean, we do have a 4 month old. That would be silly. ;)

Now it's your turn! Share your confessions. It really is good for your heart!

This stuff is pretty good!

I know, you are probably thinking. What a terrible mother, giving that baby solid food before 6 months. But, after much debate, we gave David some rice cereal this week! I was trying to hold off until 6 months. Our pediatrician had given us the go ahead at his 4 month check up. Every meal we have eaten lately David watches intently as we move food to our mouths. He whines a little each time and moves his arms and legs, as if to say, "where's mine?" So, being the flexible parents that try to be... I thought, well, I will try this, but surely he's not ready yet. Well, he proved me wrong. Not only did he open his mouth WIDE open as the spoon came near, he also was able to keep most of the food IN his mouth! You would think he'd been doing this all of his life! He loved it and wanted more! So, there you go. If there's anything I have learned parenting my kiddos: Each kid is different, and you gotta be flexible.

Sacred

A few months ago I was re-introduced to a singer/songwriter that I just love. Jill Phillips is so talented. Her voice is beautiful if not haunting. (I mean that in the most complimentary way!) Smitty and I, along with our 2 small children, went to the Behold the Lamb tour back in December. She, along with Andrew Peterson and several other artists share the gospel story through song. AWESOME! We are already planning on going again this year... maybe without the many small children. I digress.

At the time I was really struggling through some tough decisions and feelings. I continue to be broken over some decisions made years ago about my life, relationships, career path, etc. I am trying to allow the forgiveness, mercy and grace of my Savior and Redeemer to wash over me. However, I continue to allow sin to creep in, and it puts me in a place of such guilt. And yet, I continue to screw up. I get it wrong all the time. It also plagues me to think of all the times I have felt like I have gotten in too deep and think I can't do anything different. Don't you think, if we are honest, we all feel the shame of our sin? Our Heavenly Father wants us to live free of the shame. He doesn't see that when He looks at us. All He sees is Jesus' blood. You see, it covers it all. And if at my core, I truly believe this, my life would look different.

Well, at this concert, the Lord spoke so clearly to me during this song. Believe me, He had to speak it pretty clearly for me to hear it over my then 2 and 3 year old children. And to show you just how much I am still chewing on this word from Him, that was like 7 months ago. Anyway, because it is late, and I do not need to be up too late again tonight... I will not go into the details of my frail heart. However, I will leave you with the lyrics of the song that has changed how I view guilt and shame. Jesus came to set the captive free. And this truth I hold sacred. Praise Him.

Sacred, by Jill Phillips

It’s the cliched writing on the wall
Funny how it’s been there all along
And all the while you’ve listened to
Anyone who had a point of view on what you should do
The liars in your head are growing loud
They say you’re in too deep to turn back now
And answers seem so hard to find
You wonder if you still can change your mind... change your mind

There’s something to be said for patience
So hold on to what you know is sacred
Don’t let your only dream be taken
And cashed in for everything you’ve hated

You have something there that can’t be sold
A lifetime full of secrets to be told
And it is not too late to choose
The narrow winding way that few men do... so few men do

Is it Monday already?

• I most certainly was not so excited about sending my kids back to camp this morning at their preschool! A morning with just the baby and a break from the incessant chatter, that's not exciting to me. Not me!
• I most certainly did not stay up way too late last night trying to read one more chapter in my book. Not me!
• I most certainly did not send Elizabeth back to her bed this morning when she got up early because of already said late night. Not me!
• I did not take away all of Micah's toys last week because of breaking some things and a pervasive ungrateful attitude. He is, however, slowly earning them back by exhibiting a grateful heart. But that would be a bad mommy thing to do. All the toys? Not me.
• I did not forget to ice my knee last night after my run with 5K training friends and then grumble all night (and today) about my knee hurting. I mean, that would be silly, for me not to be a good patient and all. That would be like what I get irritated at my patients for... Not me!

"Man, they're lucky!"

"One generation will commend your works to another;

they will tell of your mighty acts.

They will celebrate your abundant goodness

and joyfully sing of your righteousness."

Psalm 145:4,7

"Man, they're lucky!" Micah exclaims as we pull out of Nana and Papa's driveway.

"Why is that?" I ask.

"'Cause they get to live in Pilot Mountain!"

We visited Nana and Papa at HOME tonight! Yay! Praise the Lord, my Daddy was discharged earlier today doing very well! He will continue his antibiotics for several more days, but his leg looks remarkable! We took them supper from TJ's, our local deli and grill. Dad's been asking for a #54 since the doctors told him he could eat! Bless his heart, he ordered a turkey sandwich from the hospital menu and said it was "a little short on turkey!" AHA! TJ's didn't disappoint!

We have so much to be thankful for today. Not only do we celebrate that Papa is out of the hospital and healing nicely; we got to celebrate Micah's adoption! This day is known around these parts as Gotcha Day! 4 years ago we were finalizing all the documentation that he is officially our son. Wow, how time flies!

We started our day with biscuits from "BONEJANGLES": the best damn biscuits and sweet tea, eva. Micah chose this special breakfast for us! He wants a "sausage biscuit, fries, orange juice... and, do they have grits here?" A boy after his mommy's heart!

Then we met our friends at the pool for an afternoon of swimming. He and his Guatamigo, Brayan, would have splashed around all day if their party-poo-pooing moms had not said it was time to go! Then we drove dinner up to Nana and Papa in Pilot Mountain. We gave Micah a couple small gifts for his Gotcha Day. One was a puzzle that we brought back with us 4 years ago from Guatemala. The other a real bike jersey, like Daddy's. (Needless to say, the jersey made much more of an impression than the Guatemalan gift we so carefully selected while traveling in our son's birthplace.... but I digress. We are actually thrilled that Micah loves to ride his bike!)

Nana's freezer is always full of a variety of ice cream choices. Micah chose mint chocolate chip ice cream, with a side of potato chips... dipped in the ice cream. See, he and I share no genetic connection... but this kid is MY SON! I LOVE salty-sweet! So funny to me how the Lord before he was born that he would be ours and share so many characteristics!

Micah is such a gift to us! We learn from him everyday! His curious personality keeps us on our toes. He is very talented musically, and we cannot wait to get him started with some lessons. Daddy teaches him some chords on the guitar when the attention span lasts long enough! He has amazing rhythm and keeps the strum of different songs in his head! Kind of cool for a 4 year old! We cannot wait to see what the Lord has in store for you, Beau! Actually, Micah, we are the lucky ones: 'cause we got you!

Just a couple more photos of some of the best kids on the planet.

Elizabeth was a little bathing beauty. David was just as much a fan of the cold pool water this time as he was the first time...

Indeed, we celebrate God's abundant goodness.

Please pray!

Hey friends! My Dad was admitted last night to the hospital with an unknown source of infection. He had high fever, generalized malaise and was talking out of his head a bit. They have ruled out all of the yucky things: meningitis, feared flu bugs, pneumonias, even blood clots. There seems to be some emerging cellulitis in his leg that the doctors are treating aggressively. He is responding nicely to the antibiotics. But the redness in his leg continues to increase. So... you praying warriors, get to it!