This was #6 in my "what I've learned at 30" post. Parenting: something I am continually pondering and reshaping my ideas on. As our children continue to test our limits, we continue to look for ways to build them up and discipline them. What an interesting dynamic this makes. If we are too loose with our expectations we are not helping them to grow. If we are too tough, then we are also restricting their growth. Does that make sense? We want to teach and guide without hindering growth.
Think about the closest relationships in your life. If you are married you probably chose your spouse based on their characteristics: things that complemented who you are as a person. Things that would help you grow. You love them but there is much that you really "like" about them! Funny that when you have children you do not get to choose the characteristics your children will come pre-wired with! So what is the point to all of this? Well, since recognizing that my children are their own little people, complete with personalities all their own, I find that there are things about them that make me crazy... at the same time endears them to me. Take for instance, Micah. He loves to be in control. (I understand from other parents that most 3 year olds do!) Here's the problem: I do too! So consequently he and I often will butt heads. He and I are wired so much alike it is bizarre since we share no DNA (not accidental I may add... all by God's perfect design) Now Elizabeth is also a woman who knows what she wants. Get all 3 of us in a room and whew.... thank God Smitty is patient enough for all of us. The love that we have for them flows out of this amazing depth in our hearts... sometimes the "like" we have to work on! We take so much delight in our kids; they really are fun! But when they don't get their way... look out.
We have been given some really good advice. Pick a few things that you are going to work on at a time. This way the "no's" become less frequent and mean more. We have decided disrespect or being unkind is #1. When you have 2 toddlers, this one comes up quite frequently!
Seriously though, we are realizing some things about Micah's behavior that are very interesting. We have been so blessed by Micah. He is such an amazing gift to us and to this world. He was adopted at 4 1/2 months old. He had been in 2 foster homes by the time our adoption was final. We believe all children from this scenario or a similar one has a fear of abandonment. Everything that we do to help Micah feel secure is great. Like, give him prep on where we are going, what we are doing, how many minutes until the next step, etc. We are praying about how to best discipline him and help him understand right and wrong, kindness, etc while fostering a deep security. We have found that certain techniques of parenting really set off his fear and "fight or flight". Some of our friends of biological kids have offered some helpful hints to 3 year olds... but they are not dealing with this fear. So everything we do has that extra layer of parenting. Please pray for us as we love our children the way God wants us to. We are called to this ministry of adoption and continually pray for God's guidance. In so many ways we do not consider Micah our "adopted" child. He is simply our son. But we are doing him a disservice if we do not recognize and be sensitive to the junk that unfortunately comes with abandonment.
You know if it weren't for Jesus, I would still be abandoned just like that. But I have a Heavenly Father who knows me and still loves me. I am thankful that my heavenly Father does not treat me as my sins deserve. (I mean, like take my need to be in control! He and I are still working on this sin in my life!) So, how do we translate that into parenting. And parenting a child who has a fear of abandonment?
Other adoptive parents and we have spent hours talking about the layers... And just think, Micah had close to the best of circumstances. I pray for all of the families who did not have their babies home so early... or they spent the majority of their early life in an orphanage where no one responded to their cries... or they were born addicted to some drug and are still neurologically impaired to deal with normal life. This is the world we live in. Oh how we need Jesus. I am so thankful that He knows me. He hears my cries. He knows my children. He knows the orphans in the world. He hears their cries. He responds to their needs.
- Please join us as we pray for orphans around the world and in our back yards.
- Please pray for the Church to rise up and care for these children that have no home and no hope.
- Please pray for God to raise up families who have room at their tables for the "least of these."
- Please pray for the children and parents whom God has joined together through adoption.
- Please pray for us as we love and teach our children.
Here is our precious little musician that brings us so much delight!
